Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   - me, explaining to my (ex)boss why I went in with no pants

   Jennifer Aniston has kept me in the Friends zone for years.

   When parents on Facebook post about how they can't believe their kid is going into whatever grade, write "No way! I thought for sure he'd be held back!"

   I just got a new Epi-pen. My friend gave it to me as he was dying. It seemed really important to him that I have it, for some reason.

   The five second rule is exponentially longer when no one else is around...

   If I like your posted music vids ..99.9 % I never watched it..Sorry I can not lie...

   Geno Smith sucker punched. Out 6-10 weeks. Apparently HE threw the first punch. It was intercepted!!!

   I Changed Siri to a male voice,, and now I can't get directions and most of the answers are wrong.

   Marriage vows should include no bringing up crap that happened 8 years ago.

   Love: When you still like someone after marriage.

   A faulty judgement or bad IQ?!

   Weekly I confine my exercises to jumping to conclusions, stretching the truth and pushing my luck. I have already lost at least 3 friends....

   When I go running, I usually meet new people..... like paramedics.

   Ladies, if you're in compitition to get as many friend on your frinds list, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   Ladies, if you're in competition to get as many friends on your friends list as possible, post naked pictures of yourself. . .

   Which came first? The Pringles can or Tennis ball container?

   I love how music can take you to another place. For example One Direction is playing in this cafe so now i'm going to a different cafe.

   Some people want to wake up rich. Some people want to wake up famous. I just want to wake up and not worry about a damn thing.

   Don't ask me for directions I got lost on an elevator once.

   I've trained my dog to understand sarcasm.