Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I need to slap the Pharmacist that put my pet's prescription in the same amber vial as mine, but first...I need to piss on this mailbox.

   If you're missing a necklace just remember Dave Navarro probably has it.

   Ariana Grande would be the first kid on the factory tour taken away by the Oompa Loompas.

   plot twist........ it WAS my first rodeo

   ‎Primeday‬ is just like the clearance aisle at Walmart... The deals suck and you can shop in your pajamas...

   Hope this Iran thing goes through so the Ayatollah Ali Khameneiwill stop blocking my Candy Crush requests.

   Thanks to #AmazonPrimeDays I know what it feels like to be catfished.

   "She's gone too far"... "She crossed the line between science & ethics"... "She's playing God"... *reaction to the amount of cheese my mom puts in an omelet

   I wear a ski mask to bed so if there's a home invasion the intruder will think I'm part of the team.

   think I speak for everyone when I say no one can speak for all of us.

   True story: one time I said "excuse me" to my own reflection into a glass door headed back into the bar

   shouldn't be that hard to convict Bill Cosby now. The proof is in the pudding...

   dont you hate it when your having a good day and then a human being tries to talk to you?

   what the difference between a g@y guy mustache and a straight guy mustache? ... The smell

   FACT: there's no manly way to put on chapstick. I usually just make a mean face and hum Tupac songs.

   I'll never understand women. I held open a door and all she did was start screaming and got sucked out the plane.

   It hurts to lose old friends, but when your paths diverge you shouldn't take the low road just fit the company.

   A few of my favorite things: 1. Raindrops on roses 2. Whiskers on kittens 3. Bright copper kettles 4. Warm woolen mittens 5. Coffee and pizza..

   Believe it or not. Gerge isn't at home.

   I just read an article on Yahoo that says the high-risk areas for Lyme disease is growing. I'm pretty sure I have it! Um... I think mine might be Lemon-Lyme disease... Uh... It might not be a disease, exactly... Anywhoo... I like 7-up!