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Some of my best sex moves happen cause I get a cramp in my leg, 
Bill Cosby is rebranding as a rapper called Quaaludacris.
What the Cialis commercial doesn't tell you is that the coolest thing about a 4-hour erection is having a place to hang your jacket.
I have enough money to last the rest of my life. As long as I don't buy anything.
Elon Musk (President of Tesla Motors) needs to change his name. He sounds like a new fragrance from Pierre Cardin.
All of the best mistakes are worth making twice.
"No, size doesn't matter" She says removing the cover from the forearm sized gas powered vibrator.
BEWARE I bought the insanity workout series paid good money and I've watched it 5 times still haven't lost a pound. I'm gonna go get a BigMac and fries sit and watch it one more time! if I don't lose any weight I'm gonna take it back on the way to Dominos
Dating Profile: I enjoy long walks on the beach, the equisite writings of Edgar Alan Poe, and watching chicks shove stuff up their poop pipe.
This just in: Ariana Grande joins The Dixie Chicks.
Toby Keith just threatened to "spank the siht" out Ariana Grande!
I can not be held responsible for what my face does when you talk.
Shock collars, but for co-workers
Don't flatter yourself, some people will "LIKE' anything just to get into your pants.
The safest place to live in your neighborhood is next door to the serial killer.
GUY 1: Why can’t we skip rope without society judging us? GUY 2: What if we occasionally beat the crap out of each other? Boxing is born.
Dating: Bang her like there's no tomorrow. Married: Bang her like she finally said, "Fine, do what you have to. Just hurry up"
You know youre getting older when your back goes out more than you do
Running is my second favorite activity that leaves me sweaty and out of breat and disapointed I couldn't last longer.
When a woman says shes, "old fashioned" I just assume she wears giant underwear and has a tremendous amount of pubic hair.
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