Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   When all the confusion exhibited at a four way stop is considered, it's really quite surprising that we ever made it to the top of the food chain

   Sure, my dog keeps running into the wall head first but you have to admit he looks way smarter since he started wearing my reading glasses.

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will eat for a lifetime. Teach a man to pray and he will starve waiting for fish to fall from the sky.

   I need professional help. A chef and a butler should do it.

   Give a man A fish, and you'll feed him for a day,,, Give a man a Jellyfish, and you can pee on him...

   Give a man a fish and he will eat for a day. Teach a man to fish and he will sit on his ass and drink beer all afternoon.

   I think the guy in the stall next to me,, is playing tennis.

   You should be with your best friend. If you can't send them hilarious pictures of your poop, it's just not going to work out.

   Did any one else get cat-fished by taco bells breakfast?

   When life hands you lemons. Freeze them until they're rock solid and throw them at people you don't like. . .

   (to every zookeeper at every exhibit at the zoo).. ME: If that thing comes on to my lawn,, I'll shoot it

   Plot twist: WebMD says you're just thirsty

   "Looks like we're all here. WHO WANTS HAMBURGERS?" I say to three cats & a cardboard cutout of Boba Fett at my 4th of July BBQ.

   If you can afford a gym membership, you can afford deodorant.

   The Girl in front of me at Starbucks just asked if they have Pumpkin Spice lattes yet... But don't worry ... I pulled off her Uggs & beat her with them.

   Show me, on this cat calendar, how long it's been since you've had a date?

   Keep in mind that "The Cat in the Hat" is a lesson to your kids on how to throw a house party when you're gone...

   Happy birthday America, so what are we offended by today?

   "What's your name?" "Who's your daddy?" "Is he rich like me?" These "reset your password" questions are getting kind of weird.

   I wonder if Guinness has a world record for "number of times you've had the exact same argument".