Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Love means never having to say you're happy.

   Religion - the undeniably moronic belief that ancient horticulturists and sheep farmers knew more about the origins and workings of our universe than modern-day man could ever, even with all his scientific advancements.

   Religion is only 4000 years old and based on where you live. The world is billions of years old.

   I'm going to open a restaurant called "Peace and Quiet" where kids meals cost $150.

   Dogs are great. You can count on them to alert you of danger...Also, children passing by, squirrels and gusts of wind they don't like.

   I signed up for eharmony and it keeps matching me up with local Baskin Robbins.

   I love to do housework in the nude. Unfortunately for the neighbours, today I'm roofing.

   I'm taking my two beautiful children to Disney World. I'm leaving the two ugly ones at home.

   My cat likes to scratch on a wicker chair. She likely thinks it's her guitar. I sing along because I don't want her to feel stupid.

   Relationship status - table for one but drinks for two..

   I don't care of your skin color, sexual orientation, or social status. If you are nice to me, I'll be nice to you. End of Story.

   Has anyone ever noticed that they never actually tell us how to get to Sesame Street?

   Experience has taught me some pretty valuable lessons... Mainly, to always carry hush money.

   I've met 10 people from my Facebook and only 7 of them tried to kill me or stick things in my butt

   When I die people are going to be like "wait... I thought he already died like a decade ago?"

   I'm way too horny to be this unattractive.

   Everyone on Instagram has pics of them at places all over the world & I'm like here's another shot of me from a different angle on my sofa

   *Uses selfie stick to push your baby away*

   emotional agony is a drug for some and they are forever in search of their dealer

   I got fired on my first day as a paramedic for trying to revive everyone with true love's first kiss.