Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Sorry I knocked your baby out of your arms during my air drum solo, but Metallica.

   Potty training my toddler was easy. It was teaching her to hold a phone and scroll through Twitter that was hard.

   The chemicals released in your brain during sex are the same as when you see someone trip while taking a selfie.

   Maybe my parents never told me how proud they were of me because they didn't have Facebook back then?

   Drank enough last night to kill a horse. In other news, anyone know where I can get a new horse?

   Imma let you finish Caitlyn, but Beyonce is the best looking tranny of all time.

   I like to switch it up between gangsta rap and Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? WIll I adopt you a puppy? You dont' know.

   I haven't slept for 4 days... because that would be too long.

   Kim Kardashian pregnant, said to craving publicity

   Me: So I told him he could probably get a whole fist up there if he used enough lube. She: Here's your library card ma'am.

   I just want to live in a world where I don't have to pay for extra cheese let alone even have to ask for it.... *my mom

   It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry

   Well, basically you just touch her down there" - Getting To Third Base Coach

   Of course I have a drinking problem, it cost too much.

   Sex so good your neighbours made you a sandwich

   A cute thing I tell my kids is that Jurassic Park was an actual documentary shot when I was a kid and it's all true.

   Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?

   Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs

   Your girlfriend could be dumb as anything but the minute you start arguing with her she'll turn into a lawyer with a degree from Cambridge

   Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.