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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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Sorry I knocked your baby out of your arms during my air drum solo, but Metallica.
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06-03-2015 08:49
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Potty training my toddler was easy. It was teaching her to hold a phone and scroll through Twitter that was hard.
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06-03-2015 08:50
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The chemicals released in your brain during sex are the same as when you see someone trip while taking a selfie.
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06-03-2015 08:51
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Maybe my parents never told me how proud they were of me because they didn't have Facebook back then?
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06-03-2015 08:51
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Drank enough last night to kill a horse. In other news, anyone know where I can get a new horse?
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06-03-2015 08:52
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Imma let you finish Caitlyn, but Beyonce is the best looking tranny of all time.
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06-03-2015 08:52
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I like to switch it up between gangsta rap and Sarah McLachlan. Will I murder you? WIll I adopt you a puppy? You dont' know.
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06-03-2015 08:54
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I haven't slept for 4 days... because that would be too long.
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06-03-2015 08:57
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Kim Kardashian pregnant, said to craving publicity
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06-03-2015 09:58
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Me: So I told him he could probably get a whole fist up there if he used enough lube. She: Here's your library card ma'am.
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06-03-2015 09:58
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I just want to live in a world where I don't have to pay for extra cheese let alone even have to ask for it.... *my mom
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06-03-2015 10:04 by
snotty
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It's crazy that your brain can calculate where to put your hand to catch a 98 mph fastball... But won't keep your mouth shut when a woman is angry
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06-03-2015 10:11 by
snotty
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Well, basically you just touch her down there" - Getting To Third Base Coach
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06-03-2015 12:02
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Of course I have a drinking problem, it cost too much.
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06-03-2015 12:28
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Sex so good your neighbours made you a sandwich
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06-03-2015 12:30
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A cute thing I tell my kids is that Jurassic Park was an actual documentary shot when I was a kid and it's all true.
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06-03-2015 12:31
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Remember when there was nothing to check and no device to check it on and all you did was live your life?
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06-03-2015 12:33
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Sad how some stick figures get stuck working the hangman game, while others get to have nice families on the back of SUVs
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06-03-2015 13:17
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Your girlfriend could be dumb as anything but the minute you start arguing with her she'll turn into a lawyer with a degree from Cambridge
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06-03-2015 13:37 by
@1_Jack_Jacko
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Keep calm and watch me put all of your "Keep Calm" shirts in bleach.
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06-03-2015 14:30
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