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Stop planking gramma, that's not even a thing anymore. .....Gramma???? 
You guys wanna know why my wife and I have such a great relationship? Its because I don't try to run her life and I don't try to run mine.
My house was once haunted by a poltergeist so I walked around naked for a week and it never came back...
How to tell if your kid is doing drugs: Are your drugs missing?
She sells sea shells down by the sea shore. She is broke AF.
Women with horses are just crazy cat ladies, but richer.
Some of my best wishes have come true by throwing people down a well.
Humans pretend to be smart, but we still look at the ceiling when we hear a noise upstairs like we just developed x-ray vision.
Two interesting facts for you: 1) Some pine cones look like poop. 2) I'm never kicking anything wearing flip flops again.
Not many people know this but the work "Karate" is an old Chinese word that means, "My kid can't hit a baseball"
"Hey Sally, selling seashells directly on the seashore is the dumbest effing business idea ever" ~ Sally's friends probably.
This tampon tastes like I should have asked a couple more questions.
eating something immediately after brushing your teeth must be part of the things you do during recruitment as a terrorist.
Why can't my camera take the same picture I see when I look in the mirror?
I wonder if Buzz and Woody ever met Andy's mom's toys.. Especially since they probably have the same names ..
Don't think you're immune. We're all just a whim away from singing "The Lion Sleeps Tonight." Yes, a whim away...a whim away...a whim away.
My G.F. has a pair of 'meatloaf' panties. On the front, it says 'I would do anything for love' On the back it says 'but I wont do that.'
We're weird creatures; we don't tolerate liars and won't tolerate truth either.
Relationship status: Looking for someone to rub me the wrong way...
Billion dollar idea. A smoke detector that shuts off when you yell "I'm just cooking!"
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