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PRO TIP: Add 2 drops of lemon juice to your goldfish's water every time you change it, and you won't even have to season them before cooking. 
A Coffee so strong,,, you make it more than halfway across the White House lawn before anyone even sees you.
If a bee manages to stay alive after it stings you, it's a zom-bee.
And BTW,,, I'm only two microwaves away from opening my own Applebees.
If Liam Neeson keeps starring in the same film pretty soon he's going to be Taken 4: Granted
how long does it take possums to realize when one of them are actually dead?
My life is loosely based on a true story.
My mind is telling me yes But my body My body's telling me no...Me waking up for work every morning!
I didn't watch the Letterman finale because I've missed the last 17 season and didn't think I'd understand what was going on.
If a vegan falls in the woods and there's nobody there to listen to them talk about being a vegan, are they still annoying?
[sitting at table] Wife: writes number on pice of paper and slides it across. Me: Crosses out and writes new number *thermostat negotiations*
My mom always told me television would rot my brain. But if it wasn't for commercials, I wouldn't know that 4X4 = truck.
The secret to a happy marriage is knowing how to strategically hide the empties in the trash can so they have no idea how much you drank last night.
For every illegal that crosses, we send 2 nigs back. Mexico will build their own wall in about 2 weeks.
The lottery gives you a 1 in 200 million chance you won’t go to work tomorrow. Alcohol gives you 1 in 5.
Breakfast is the most important meal of the day, so I ate 4 of them.
BJ's, because sometimes its easier than cooking dinner.
My fair godmother looks an aweful lot like a bartender.
Hey girls at the gym, no need for the makeup and hair do's. He's not looking at your face.
I just want someone to touch me the way a woman touches a pair of shoes she cannot afford.
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