Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Tetris taught me that when you try to fit in you’ll disappear.

   That moment when you flex your foot wrong and it cramps, and you think “This is it…this is how it ends.”

   A cactus is really just an aggressive cucumber.

   I'm sending a whole bunch of emails to random Nigerians letting them know they've won the Canadian lottery.

   Rosetta Stone but for the THINGS I say when I'm drunk

   Almost went outside without my phone and now I know what it’s like to lose your child at the mall

   Girl just told me her roommate sits around watching Netflix all day and never goes out and now I kinda want to meet her

   RoGhetto Stone is fo da hood, yo.

   Its like my liver has no idea what's about to happen.

   I can cut a piece of wood in half just by looking at it. It’s true, I saw it with my own eyes.

   If you had a good time, the best time of your life and you don't post it on social media, did it really happen?

   I've been single for so long, I'm this close to buying more cats.

   Want to know the best way to make friends? Tell a woman you love her and she will say "I think we're just friends"

   I'm not drunk, I just feel better.

   I swear my bed just whispered "Please Don't go."

   The grapes of wrath is a fun way to describe a pissed off woman who's drunk on wine

   I got injured by a bull in Pamplona one time. It wasn't bad. He just grazed me.

   If I was in Mad Max I would be the guy who can't figure out how to turn the windshield wipers off.

   Don't worry about walking a mile in my shoes. Just try spending a day thinking in my head.

   If you're quiet enough you don't even have to ask for permission before petting a guide dog