Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   ME: "Boss, I can't come in today. I have a bad case of" *puts hand over phone* -what was it again? DAUGHTER: "Boogerits" *to phone* its boogerits"

   I asked my masseur for a happy ending. She made me a ballon animal and painted my face like Spiderman.

   My heart says "No", but my erection says, "Shut the hell up, Heart"

   It never fails.... I wash my car and the very next day I hit a pedestrian.

   Like a good neighbor..... Me and Meyham from Allstate threw a party in your house because you bragged all about your vacation on Facebook.

   My dinner just consited of beer and trail mix. Being an adult isn't for everyone.

   FUN FACT: I can fit 17 Pringles in my mouth. SAD FACT: I tried to figure out how many Pringles I could fit in my mouth.

   There are three gurantees in life. Death, Taxes, and elbow macaroni stays in your cabinet until you move.

   My wife and I have been married so long that I no longer think about other women when we have sex, I think about pizza.

   I will always cherish my initial misconceptions of you.

   Swift Justice is just like regular Justice except it will write a song about you when you break up.

   The best thing about my phone screen shattering is that it now matches my dreams and aspirations.

   I don't understand why guys are always wanting their girl to make them a sandwich after sex.... I'd just be happy if they gave me my money back.

   Patience, I'm being creepy as fast as I can.

   How many times can you say "aight" before you can consider the job interview bombed.

   I don't wanna make this weird but that's just kinda how I do things.

   Apparently licking a spilled vodka on a conference room table is frown upon.

   Vodka and denial is still cheaper than therapy

   I was taught to be nice first, because you can always be mean later, but once you've been mean to someone, they wouldn't believe the nice anymore. So be nice, be nice, until it's time to stop being nice.. then destroy them.

   Happy birthday to Justin Bieber. Yesterday he turned 21, which means he can be tried as an adult.