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I was shocked when I heard the local Radio Shack is closing. Mostly because I had no idea we had one. 
To the guy who named Meatloaf, thanks for all your hard work.
The only man in history to be called a jackass by the president of The United States is Kanye West
A cop pulled me over this morning but let me go. Maybe these man boobs aren't all bad after all!
Spider-Man is joining the Marvel Cinematic Universe...he will mate with Black Widow, and then she devours him afterwards.
If a tree falls in the woods and no one is around to hear it, will Brian Williams still claim he chopped it down?
Manti Te'o's girlfriend confirmed that Brian Williams was on the helicopter
A buffalo was talking on his cell phone. He ends the conversation by saying "Yeah, well I have to cut this short. These roaming charges are killing me."
Just ate a salad with a dinner fork. #ThugLife
Hey old people, you don't have to sign your name when you comment on a status. We know who said it.
how many Grammys has Kanye given to a deserving musician? The Answer: 0
Sometimes I spend whole meetings wondering how they got the big meeting table through the door.
"Was the Golf War because Tiger Woods was a bad man? ~ My friends 9 year old daughter. Shout out to home schooling.
At some point, a guy looked at a berry that was clearly purple and called it a blueberry. AND WE ARE JUST SITTING HERE LETTING IT HAPPEN!!!!
Started a new workout program, 50 more "likes" and I'm all done.
My life is like a box of chocolates. Only fat people want me.
I stopped feeling sorry for myself a long time ago. Now I just feel sorry for the people who have to deal with me.
"Ugh.... life is rough" ... I type on my $600 phone that was made by an 8 year old in a sweat shop.
My phone was cordless until it got smart.
My cover letter is just a picture of me in a sleeveless turtleneck karate chopping the word 'unemployment'
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