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It's always so awkward ending phone calls with loved ones, I always say "I love you" and they're like, "thank you for choosing domino's" 
My plans on having a long extended vacation were dashed last night when my lottery tickets didn't hit....:( So its off to work I go tomorrow!
Whenever the brain and the heart fight it's always the liver that suffers.
just discovered my other mail folder, I didnt realise I was so popular with the ladies telling me how amazing and fantastic I am.
If robbers broke into my house looking for money, I'd just laugh and search with them.
Obama needs a grammy for those gas prices
The Grammys would be awesome if it was actually about celebrating the best artists in the country. Instead it is just about which ones get the most corporate sponsorship and sound the most generic.
Why would I dance like nobody's watching? People need to see this.
Watching Sam Smith win all those Grammy's really reminded me of how much I like Tom Petty.
FACT: 99.7% of guys named "Dan" are not actually "The Man".
The brighter colord vegetables you buy, the more festive they look in your garbage when you throw them away 2 weeks later.
I'm at my most badass when I'm popping a wheelie with a shopping cart.
To be fair, a dogs butthole might taste fantastic and we've been judging them wrong all these years.
I wish my kids came with a handbook.... Hardcover, preferably. So I have something to hit them with.
Just texted my wife "goodnight sweetheart, I love you" but accidentaly sent it to my boss, which is awkward because he likes to hold my hand in meetings.
Zuckerberg claims he wears a gray t-shirt everyday because he doesn't want to waste time on things tht don't matter. BTW, he created Facebook.
PRO TIP: Vodka doesn't care if you are still wearing pajamas at the dinner table.
"When you grow up and are paying all the bills, then you can make up arbitrary rules about why you get the last slice of bacon" ~ Me, parenting.
No thanks feelings, I'll just take the sex.
I can't believe Katy Perry's date wasn't Left Shark!
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