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I am not real pumped up about the Super Bowl this year! 
If you are so sensitive that I can't joke around without risking offending you and I have to watch every word I say, in case you might misinterpret it, then we can't be friends.
Accidentally heard the first 15 seconds of a Toby Keith song, now the back of my hair grew 3 inches and my sister looks hot as sh*t.
People who are offended when I breastfeed in public need to STFU. What I'm doing is natural and strengthens the bond between me and my dog.
BF slid his hand in my panties & thinks I'm instantly turned on but I don't have the heart to tell him I sneezed earlier & peed myself a bit
President Obama said the small drone that flew over the White House fence yesterday could be bought at any RadioShack. After hearing this, the RadioShack CEO said, "I'm shocked to find out we still sell something people want."
Today, the Apple iPad turns five years old. So it's official. The iPad is as old as the people who make it.
More bad news for the New England Patriots. The NFL now has video of those deflated footballs alone in an elevator with Ray Rice
All female Ghostbuster remake, just like the all male original, but instead the whole movie is 4 chicks trying to coordinate their uniforms.
I gotta be honest....unless the Ghostbusters "reboot" (starring all women) is going to have them topless with proton packs...I am just not interested.
Getting dumped by a hoarder has to be rock bottom.
My New Year's resolution is to procrastinate about the same.
Hey Hipsters, while you're busy fighting the system, Apple made $19 billion last quarter.
The worst part about watching Fox Network are all the commercials for $hitty shows on Fox.
Marys dragging me to some play tonight #bored #killme
The fact that Burger King can sell you 10 chicken nuggets for $1.49 should concern you more than it should entice you
You had me at "family history of premature death".
Fact: you don't have to be a Girl Scout to sell Girl Scout cookies, hussle smart my friends
The only F word out a woman's mouth that scares me is "fine."
Some people are like eye-candy... I'm more like eye-meatloaf.
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