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Why is it always "did you drink all of the beer", instead of, "hey thanks for cleaning out that drawer in the refrigerator"? 
I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. candy is 75% off.
If you hold up a Shell and listen, you should hear the clerk tell you that he doesn't want any trouble.
I don't know how the Green Bay Packers could have possibly lost that game with my dad shouting orders at the TV.
You should learn from the past, live for today, and look forward to tomorrow... I'm gonna take a nap!
K-WHEN, because everyone already knows why.
I just found some old "coupons" I got from an ex for a birthday. Any of you ladies take competitor's coupons?
The Colts would of lost using a Nerf football. . .
I can't wait until tomorrow when all the Martin Luther King, Jr. fried chicken is 75% off.
"Never give up," I whisper to myself as I text her for the 68th time." Restraining order is on the way.
"Respect costs you nothing?!" Are you sure?!
Repeating jokes to different crowds is part of part of the fun, sometimes it is beneficial to change them up slightly each time, making them stronger, funnier jokes. So find something better to do with your time. Or just keep being a D!<k.
Statistics say more than one third of marriages start online. The other two thirds will end online...
Just got a text asking if I want to go to church on Sunday. I laughed so hard I choked on my vodka and shot my d ildo across the room.
you must work for Malaysia air because you make all my worries disappear.
Ladies be careful when a dude asks you to come over and 'chill' it can lead to chill-dren
Women who carry a little extra weight live long than the men who mention it
I like my women the same way I like my suits...Double-Breasted!
I can't keep doing this, but keeps doing this - WOMEN
If anyone is looking for an unlicensed private plane pilot. Please give me a call, my rates are as low as I can go by state laws. . .
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