Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   A human fart can be louder than a trombone. I discovered that at my daughter's school concert.

   When a woman says "He used me for sex". It really means 'I only shagged him to get something else out of him, but it failed'.

   Attention pretty girls. Right now, nice, ugly girls are getting laid so stop being such a b*itch…

   I just learned that George de Mestral, the man who invented Velcro, died in 1990. RIP, George. RIP.

   Someone is not a happy camper and should learn to appreciate how those guys are saving you the time to browse through twitter for the best jokes.

   Figures... On the day I wear white underwear too…..........

   I would pick up a hitchhiker wearing an "I Heart Murder" t-shirt before I'd pick up a call from a blocked number.

   I think Tampax and Hershey's should get together and offer a super pack....

   This pregnancy test confirmed my worst fear..... I'm just fat.

   Recognizing Cuba, bastion of human oppression, is an insult to our noble allies in Saudi Arabia, Qatar, Yemen, Iraq, Pakistan and Texas.

   North Korea's Internet is down. In even more shocking news, North Korea apparently has Internet.

   The longest distance between any two points,, is the walking path of a 2 year old.

   I think the people who own funeral homes should have digital clocks outside, counting down.

   Representatives from AOL say that no one from North Korea has dialed in to their service for almost 8 hours now...

   Poor North Korea, now they have to call Comcast to get their internet fixed.

   my mature level IS , I still giggle when singing about nuts in christmas carols

   My wife said she wanted a clean, fresh start in the new year. Merry Christmas babe, here's your Hoover.

   Even North Korea has to wait on hold for hours to reach tech support in India

   My first instinct when I see an animal is to say “hello”. My first instinct when I see a person is to avoid eye contact & hope it goes away

   If you tell me about your problems and I say I will pray for you, it’s just my polite way of saying fcuk off, you’re on your own.