Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   "LOL" is the new way of saying "I really have nothing to say."

   It may be a tell-tale sign that I'm spending too much time online when the dogs recognize the sound of my computer shutting down and get excited about it.

   Be the reason someone sighs today.

   The only thing Facebook has ever done for me is make me realize a lot of my friends are idiots.

   I'm not saying my doctor is young, but he just texted me "2mer is B-9, woot!"

   Am I the only one who's ever seen a fat ugly lady at Walmart with 7 screaming kids...and think who keeps doing you!

   Are you sick and tired of having sex? Ask your doctor if 'marriage' is right for you!

   K-Y should be called K-WHEN, because we already know why.

   Some of my best memories are naps.

   My teenage daughter says I'm not cool, what does she know. *takes out phone from fanny pack to write this status update*

   I'm not leaving here without some kind of balloon

   Me, at Wal-Mart: Why is there a buckle on this ski rope? Sir, that's a belt.

   The inventor of predictive text has died. His funfair will be hello on Sundial.

   I just got a job in a reggae band playing the triangle, I just stand at the back n ting

   Went to the Dr today and he said I should've died 3 years ago. So, I guess I'm immortal!!

   Proud to say I weigh the same today as I did in high school. I was a fat ass then, too.

   Keep an identical glass of vodka next to the water on your bedside table for a refreshing morning game of Russian Roulette

   I told everyone at work that I have a twin so that when I see them in public I won't have to talk to them.

   Sorry I played your newborn like an air guitar. Also if you cut me off during Master of Puppets again you can find a new babysitter.

   Son have I told you about the birds & the bees? Dad you're an ornithologist & moms an entomologist it's literally all you guys talk about