Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Life is like a $h!t sandwich. The more bread you have the less $h!t you have to eat.

   So Scotland had a little case of premature emancipation. It's ok. It happens. Doesn't make you any less of a country

   I got a new marker today that smells like grapes. Thats why I've been so quiet.

   Simmer down girl in the front row. It's a yoga class not a strip club.

   Marry someone funny. I'm serious.

   An app that tells you how much battery is left in your relationship.

   I once dated someone who told me she was "bi". Every time I mentioned sex, she said "Bye!"

   I wonder how many of the people who don't like that anti religion staus really go to church every Sunday and give atleast 10% of there income to the church. I bet not many

   I just won 8 straight games of rock paper scissors against that predictable c@nt Edward Scissorhands.

   England invaded us Scottish all those years ago and all you got was Michelle McManus, Men wearing skirts, fried mars bars and Asians with Scottish accent. However, we got Michelle Keegan, kelly brook, & warmer weather. Sounds like a good deal to me...

   I picked up my new iPhone today.......nah, just kidding......my droid had that technology two years ago

   Happy Hallogivemas!!!!!! It's the time of year when the stores sell Halloween, Thanksgiving and Christmas stuff all on ONE aisle!

   I want to be buried with a Brontosaurus bone, so this way people will think that Dino (Flintstones) buried me...

   I'm feeling vulnerable tonight. I wasn't able to validate my personality with a BuzzFeed quiz today.

   I'll be your life coach. Stand up straight. Don't ever wear that in public. Speak properly. That will be 800 dollars. Cash.

   Love is in the air. Try not to breathe.

   I think this whole "heck in a hand basket" thing started,, when no one noticed the fresh prince gets out of the taxi without paying.

   I, put commas, in, weird places, so that, you, read, my jokes, like William, Shatner.

   I wish people were more social on social sights. . .

   If Snoop Dog and Pitbull aren't playing the half time show of the puppy bowl this year,,, then someone has seriously dropped the ball.