Funny Status Messages

   Practising my breast stroke, so if I ever get a girlfriend I dont do it wrong...

   Denial, Anger, Bargaining, Depression, Acceptance… The five stages of waking up.

   "Commercials led me to believe that changing shampoos would have a much bigger effect on my life."

   This Herbal Essences body spray isn't working like I had hoped.

   31 States, 1618 Languages, 6 Major Religions, 29 National Festivals, 1 Country!! Happy Independence Day INDIA

   Mary Poppins was just called Mary before she got into breakdancing.

   Don't run with scissors -- unless you're stealing scissors, of course. If so, run. Run like the wind scissor thief!

   The three basic rules to plumbing: 1. Hot goes on the left. 2. Cold goes on the right. 3. $h!t won't flow uphill.

   Surprised I didn't see pics of kids kicking and screaming titled, "Second Day Of School"

   If at first you don't succeed then maybe skydiving isn't your thing.

   Why do cops ask us why we think they pulled us over? It's their job. I dont go to the station and ask why they think I created a powerpoint.

   God: Women will bleed for a week. Universe: What will men do for pleasure at that time? God: *sigh* Fine. Mouths. But they'll talk. A lot.

   I'm doing the KFC Bucket Challenge!

   There is just so much for me not to care about.

   we need to go back to the belt, sorry I mean the basics when raising these kids.

   Why are Doctors so afraid of apples?

   Insomnia sufferers - look on the bright side..... Only three more sleeps til Christmas

   My wife is in a bad mood. I think her boyfriend forgot their anniversary... Way to go, dude. Now we all suffer...

   I was invited to take part in a flash mob. Showed up in just my trenchcoat. Now I'm disappointed.

   If everything tastes like us, why do we have to die? –Chickens