Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Some days you’re the Titanic, some days you’re the iceberg, and some days you’re the guy who jumped off and hit the propeller on the way down.

   How I feel when you complain about your boyfriend to me is how Yahoo feels when people use them to search for Google’s homepage.

   Hot singles in your area are dating each other while you sit alone staring at your phone.

   Everytime I see a mattress tied to the top of a car, I think….there’s another prostitute making a house call

   Been watching Sharknado. When did Tara Reid turn 60??

   I'm gonna take a jog... down to that seat at the end of the bar!

   I tried yoga once, but we called it Twister

   Where's the I want to punch you in the face button?

   Ultimate act of defiance, finishing your FB status update while your Boss waits at your desk!

   Sucking on a woman's nipples helps prevent breast cancer. Make sure you know the woman, cops don't care if you were trying to save her life.

   How much for the survival kit? Sir, that's an iPhone charger.

   Nice status. You're out of alcohol again aren't you?

   Duct tape. Turning "No" into "mmmmmmffff" since 1871.

   How much for the erotica kit? Sir, that's a package of bacon.

   You just don't know what awkward is until you call out your wife's name while having sex with her sister.

   My therapist told me...nothing you idiot vodka can't talk.

   There’s no excuse for laziness.. but if you find one, let me know.

   Million dollar idea: Nothing's better than the smell of a new born baby. Now if we could figure out how to bottle that in a mans cologne. Hear that sound? That's the sound of bra's snapping all over.

   A Japanese company upset Americans by selling clothes labeled Skinny, Fat and Jumbo. They have since changed them to Large, Extra Large and American.

   My friend asked “What do blind people think about when they masturbate?” I’d be willing to bet that it is something along the lines of “Who is watching me”