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Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump
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When my wife asks me to hold her purse, I look cool by looking over my shoulder nervously as if I'd just snatched it.
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07-22-2014 18:23 by
andrew
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Sometimes I wish saying "Uncle" to Life would work.
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07-22-2014 18:26 by
Huck
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If you need to cancel your service with Comcast, I suggest getting Liam Neeson to handle it
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07-23-2014 00:42
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I'm so ghetto.... I had lights and water bill in my name before the age of 3..
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07-23-2014 00:45 by
Jitney
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I really like that machine at the gym where you put money into it and snacks come out.
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07-23-2014 05:03 by
andrew jackson
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It has been proven that Australians watch TV more than any other appliance.
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07-23-2014 07:02 by
snotty
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People who eat fish tacos: You realize you can get tacos that don't have fish in them,,, right?
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07-23-2014 07:17 by
snotty
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"Pro-Russian rebels" You mean the Russian army?
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07-23-2014 09:20
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I'd put down my phone for you.
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07-23-2014 10:00
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HR have advised that I’m not allowed to ask my chubby co-workers if they ate my missing stapler.
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07-23-2014 10:07
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I entered what I ate for lunch into my calorie counting app and it uninstalled itself.
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07-23-2014 12:34 by
M
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There is a new strain of Marijuana on the market now. It is called "The Obama". It is very expensive, powerful, and does not do anything
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07-23-2014 12:45 by
Styles
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It's called instant messaging for a reason. ..if I wanted to wait a week for a reply, I'd of sent a bloody letter
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07-23-2014 13:42 by
@uxbridgeguy
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I never sign anything until I pretend to read it first..
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07-23-2014 13:57
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You can carry anything in a fanny pack except self respect.
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07-23-2014 13:58
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It's national hot dog day! Time to come and get your weenie ladies.
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07-23-2014 18:25
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Always check the height of nearby ceiling fans before giving a toddler a ride on your shoulders... * How I learned this rule is not important.
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07-23-2014 20:29 by
snotty
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I'm so old,,, my driver's license is valid for covered wagons.
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07-23-2014 20:33 by
snotty
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My inflatable girlfriend always looks surprised when I walk into the room.
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07-23-2014 20:34 by
snotty
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In Canada they have 18 hour traffic jams at 4 way stops,,, cause everyone is being polite and insisting the other driver goes first
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07-23-2014 20:36 by
snotty
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