Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I think I'm emotionally constipated because I haven't given a sh*t in days

   I love hearing “saw this and thought of you”

   Most people don’t realize this… But, you can eat organic, gluten-free food without telling everyone about it.

   rael says "ceasefire", Hamas says "reload".

   When one door closes and another window opens you have a ghost

   I think it's actually statistically something like 113% of people over-exaggerate.

   Anyone else see the irony in Disney World?.. You know, the fact that it's a giant human trap, ...set by a mouse.

   Bit*ches be digging up bones in someone elses yard. Dawgs be burying their bones in someone elses yard. It's an endless cycle.

   When one door closes and another window opens you are probably in prison.

   Wife wife insists on having the last word in any argument. Anything I say after that is considered the start of a new argument.

   I have heard I said that women are the fairer sex ... that has not been my experience.

   I will pay anyone $100 bucks to be at my wake in a Reapers costume holding a scythe. I will have it in my will to anyone who wants that job. . .

   69 + 69 = dinner for four. . .

   I'm still wondering exactly how long a cotton picking minute really is. Does anyone know ?

   So I thought about asking the love of my life to marry me. Chicken Parmesan. . .

   It's that time of year we need a Frozen Margarita truck. . .

   I love you, flushable baby wipes.

   I will believe corporations are people when Texas executes one

   Jurassic Park was a cautionary tale about the dangers of underpaying IT workers

   Derek Jeter sent a gift basket to Adam Wainwright's room last night.