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Why does Snoop Dogg carry an umbrella? Fo Drizzle. 
Anne Davies passes away and on the same day her twin sister Phil Mickelson is in the news for insider trading. What are the odds?
One good thing about being ugly is that when someone stares at you for too long you automatically know they wanna rob you.
At the end of the new Adam Sandler movie they don't roll the credits they roll the blames.
I can tell by the way you keep snapping your gum in my ear that you really don't value your life at all.
You know what would make my cubicle super cute? Fire.
Me: Am I unattractive? Husband: No. You're annoying, but definitely not unattractive. That'll work.
Relationship Status: I ate 7 bananas trying to get the new guy at work to notice me.
'You have me now', I whisper as I delete all the contacts from your phone.
If you're a white guy and walk into Home Depot without wearing sunglasses on top of your head, they legally don't have to sell you anything.
Taking a nice big healthy crap: Best weight-loss plan ever.
Nothing says, "creative genius" like posting, "Good Morning!" with a cup of coffee with a smiley in the foam.
If you don't mind I use duct tape. I'm giving free bikini waxes.
Do twins ever realize that one of them was unplanned?
Canadians aren't as polite as everyone thinks. In fact they're pretty gangster. Today, for instance, I witnessed a drive-by apology.
Just layed on my horn for 39 seconds at the slow driver in front of me before realizing he was the last car of a funeral procession.
Women who brag about multi-tasking should chill out. There is nothing cool about doing 4 things wrong at once
You girls were right about these yoga pants. I have never been more comfortable eating a bucket of chicken.
I once dated an amputee,,,, She single-handedly changed my life.
Told my son, If you hit a game-ending home run it just seems polite to go ahead and pick up the bases as you go around.
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