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Memorial Day is the day where we spend time with our loved ones, who are sometimes a pain to live with, to remember our loved ones who are painful to live without. 
"I'll drink to that." - Me, to pretty much everything.
Does Joel Osteen give anyone else the creeps or is it just me?
The lifeguard kicked me out of the swimming pool this morning for peeing in the water. I said, why are you picking on me? everybody else does it ? he said yeah, but not from the diving board you d*ck head.
My life would be so much easier if I wasn’t intelligent enough to realize how freaking stupid some people are.
I don’t know how Godzilla doesn’t hurt himself. I once had to go to the emergency room after stepping on a Lego piece.
Happy Memorial Day to all. Even the 90% of Americans who don't know the difference between today and Veteran's day.
Maybe Mondays are not that bad. Maybe its your job that sucks balls.
Do you think anyone would be offended if I added them to my "Masturbated To" list? Asking for a friend.
It's conceivable that a gynecologist could triple his client base just by developing Parkinson's
My biggest regret in life is missing you..., When I backed up
Call me a hoarder if you want but don't come crying to me when you need a 3 foot tall stack of mayonnaise jar labels.
Priest: Kim, do you take Kanye to be your lawfully wedded husband to love and cherish? Kim: I.. *Kanye grabs mic* Kanye: She do
Canadian Whiskey is just like regular whiskey except it apologizes for your hangover in the morning
Candy corn is just like regular corn except it dances on poles and doesn't know who it's dad is
Not to brag, but I'm a functioning Facebook addict.
Axe just released 3 new scented body sprays. 1 New skateboard 2 Halo 3 3 Mom I'm hungry
I don't mean to brag but I'm still single.
The only bad beer is an unopened one.
America sacrificed its hero's to be free, so idiots like you can post stupid status
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