Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I don't expect you to read my mind, you'll know how I feel when I set your stuff on fire.

   Babies are a receipt that you've had sex..

   Women like men who are emotionally available. Write that down.

   You'll never realise how nice some people are until they need something.

   It's bad manners to ask someone how many people they've murdered.

   If you have to ask if the sex was good... It wasn't.

   it a natural defense mechanism for men to watch TV with a hand down their pants? In case we kick you in the nuts for hogging the remote?

   Behind every husband is a wife, saying "You're gonna wear that?", "Did you do those things yet?", "Are we lost?", "Are you listening to me?"

   Do people smoke e-cigarettes after sexting?

   If you drink enough alcohol, stairs become an extreme sport.

   Say what you want about Canada but they successfully got rid of Justin Bieber.

   I learned how to kiss from watching my dog drink from the garden hose.

   If you're feeling bored, find a group photo of four girls on instagram and then comment "you three look great!" Wait and grab popcorn.

   Pretty sure I'll pet an owl before I have sex again.

   My field of dreams is just a fully stocked liquor store.

   Inspire someone to leave the house, by setting it on fire.

   vergetarians, I ask this: when you see a spider on the kitchen floor, do you 1). step on it or 2). take it to the SPCA to be "saved"?

   911: What's your emergency? Me: I can't get out of a conversation 911: That's not- Me: HE'S A VEGAN ATHEIST! 911: Dispatching SWAT now, Sir.

   I like my family gatherings like I like my steak. Rare

   I'll see your fun outdoor activity and raise you a nap.