Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Chicken strips because Chicken never knew her father.

   Caveman1: look, I invent wheel Caveman2: what we do now? Caveman1: wait for Jesus to take wheel Caveman2: dum dum Jesus not invented yet

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my door.

   Oh thank goodness, you posted another selfie. I almost forgot what you looked like since the selfie 5 minutes ago.

   Tequila probably won't fix your problems, but it's worth a shot.

   Sure I have my doubts, but Bigfoot doesn't have any pictures of me either.

   A "High Class" tattoo has to be the greatest oxymoron ever!

   Fact: People that don't like pizza are on a most wanted list somewhere.

   The death of Friends star David Schwimmer this afternoon came as a huge shock to me, but it's made me realize how this s ite is a primary source of news to many people. Which is why you just believed me that David Schwimmer is dead.

   If you don't take 500 selfies a day, do you even love yourself?

   Kraft is recalling more than a million cases of cottage cheese because they weren’t stored at the right temperature. Isn’t that how you MAKE cottage cheese?

   No job is too big for me to ignore.

   Don't you wish some people would start using glue instead of lipstick???

   Nice try Jehovah’s Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my doo

   My kids constantly yell at me whenever I try take their pictures, and I tell 'em: "You're gonna need them in 20 years for your Throw Back Thursdays updates"..... whatever!!

   Nice try Jehovah's Witnesses but dressing up like cops and telling me you have a warrant is not going to get me to open my d.....

   When I was in high school I was suspended for fingering a girl behind the bike shed. Now my son is in junior school and history is repeating itself. I've been arrested this time though.

   I called the surgery this morning to book an appointment for my annual check up. I just hope the receptionist can spell!!!

   If we wait patiently, eventually we'll all play Batman in a movie.

   I have a bumper sticker that says "Honk if you think I'm sexy" I then wait at green lights 'til I feel better about myself.