Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   So this 19 year old Miranda chick on Craigslist says she's interested in me!!

   Next time I see a car with like, 90 stick children on it, I am taping a condom to the window.

   Some days the problem is I care too much... Today was not one of those days...

   Years ago, my girlfriend said, “It’s me or the beer!” I wonder how she doing…

   thats the last time I buy Sushi from the dollar store!

   Man I love watching women's curling in the Olympics. It's the only time I get to drink beer while cheering on women sweeping and no one slaps me.

   Silence is the best response to a fool.

   Some people have obsession with destruction.

   HEADLINE: Miley Cyrus stuffs fan's thong in her mouth.

   I always wrap someone's fist bump with my high five because paper beats rock

   Fun Fact Ladies: You can win all arguments with your man by putting on yoga pants and walking away.

   Last night's Taco Bell finally "left the building." It smelled like a sombrero wearing donkey crawled up my a$$ and died.

   Why is it "romantic" when Aladdin sings A Whole New World while flying on a carpet but "pathetic" when I sing it while laying on a bath mat?

   I bet the most common dying wish is to live longer

   I slipped and fell on some black ice this morning.. at least I think it was black ice cause my wallet is missing.

   Maybe you thought it was black ice because you are stupid?

   I slipped and fell on some black ice this morning.. at least I think it was black ice cause it didn't pay child support for its 7 kids by 6 baby mamas

   Vodka is like water, but with superpowers.

   I used to think you were special. Then I got to know you.

   Every time someone tells me “you have a good handshake.” I reply with “you can thank my pen*s for that.”