Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   Even if they don't win any medals, at least Team USA can be guaranteed victory in future ugly sweater contests.

   Went to the grocery store with my sister and she got kicked out because she was complaining that all the bananas were bent...

   Mr. I'm so not funny, you're as funny as a pile of rhino crap...hahahahaha stupid

   This is stupid. It's been 3 days with this. I'm going elsewhere.

   Waffles are just Pancakes with abs.

   What did the blanket say as it fell off the bed? Oh sheet.

   Do a little dance... Drink a lot of rum... Fall down tonight...

   You gotta hand it to blind prostitutes.

   The thinner the eyebrow, the crazier the women

   Are the unmarried employees at Kraft known as Kraft singles?

   Men use love to get sex, Women use sex to get love. I use coupons to get pizza.

   Any girls in a relationship; please write something.

   Sorry I broke into your house, dressed your cat like Angela Lansbury, and filmed my "Meowder She Wrote" pilot.

   I bet I could win a gold medal for 'least amount of Olympics watched.' But I'll never know if I do.

   gaining weight while you owe me money.. is see that as a sign of dis-respect

   The jobs report is so bad Obama should fire somebody, but that would only add to the problem.

   Women need a reason to have sex. Men just need a place to have sex..

   Sorry I can't hangout, my phone is only at 61%.

   When the only light in your world is suddenly gone ...it's time to recharge your phone.

   Just how hairy was the dude who invented a shampoo called Head & Shoulders?