Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I had to go on a second diet. The first one wasn't giving me enough food.

   Boy it's nice out today... our at least that's what it says on my computer.

   I don't play videogames ALL day. I do stop to jerk off from time to time.

   With so many idiots roaming the earth now, maybe scientist need to stop the search for cure for cancer, and start working on finding the cure for idiocy.

   The cure for over thinking is over drinking.

   Oils are weird, like some are for babies and some are for cars, who can keep track?

   —Mom, what's for dinner? —Nothing, son. Your father studied Graphic Design.

   The battles against women are won losing.

   Coffee allows me to make bad decisions faster.

   A nal – Because some women understand a week is too long for a man to wait.

   Work is really getting in the way of me going home and drinking wine in my underwear.

   HD p0rn so clear, you can see her financial crisis.

   Tom Cruise is only a scientologist because all their urinals are at child height.

   The best way to live a miserable life is to pay attention to what other people are saying about you.

   Step 1 - Change your Wi-Fi password to "blowmefirst." Step 2 - Wait for someone to ask you for it.

   You think after making 58 mil last year, Bieber could buy a freakin belt.

   I had to explain the Goonies today... so I'm feeling super old and bitter.

   I think I'd be a pretty considerate cannibal, even if I were constipated I wouldn't force your hand.

   And that was the last time I confused Clorox cleaning sheets with baby wipes.

   I always wondered why cross eyed people never get hit crossing the road. Then it hit me. They are always looking both ways.