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Give a white girl a fish and she'll freak out because fish are gross. Teach a white girl to fish and she'll be like "but I want Starbucks" 
The most photographed red carpet in Hollywood is still Lindsay's.
You can grab my ass and my hair but don't EVER grab my arm and tell me to listen...
Someone tried to steal my identity. However, after reviewing my bank accounts and credit information, they felt sorry for me and offered me theirs.
"Look, this is just a big misunderstanding. I told my aides to block access to "the FRIDGE", not "the BRIDGE."
With my luck that Southwest plane would have landed in rebel terrorist controlled Syria!
No you may not "Axe" me a question... I don't speak Walmart!
Forgive me father, for I have sinned. It's been two weeks since my last confession. Smell my finger.
I'm at my most savage when I'm solo love making to the lion king soundtrack.
I suspect my gravestone will have a pretty serious urine discoloration not long after I'm gone.
I used to be passive aggressive but now I'm aggressively passive. Don't mess with me, idiot. I'll sit right here. I'll f*cking forgive you.
Haven't heard anything about Bigfoot in awhile. I hope he's okay
It astonishes me that some people say we are all unique and different yet they believe in horoscopes.
You may not Axe me a question, Go Axe a tree!!!
Keep your friends close, and a bottle of vodka closer!
Every time it hurts when I pee I think of you. - coming up with romantic valentine's day message is hard you guys.
When life gives you melons, you're probably dyslexic.
I don't know whats worse, getting your ass kicked by kanye West or getting hit by a smart car.
There is always that one person that you think about every night before you go to sleep. But for me its not a person, its pizza.
If you are babysitting your nieces and nephews, be sure to give them each a 5-Hour Energy Drink before you return them to their Mom and Dad.
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