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just read that drug sniffing dogs get treats when they find drugs. we're just creating more addicts, you guys 
Someone's gotta break it to people under 25 that cameras can also point away from themselves
Between the blue corn tortilla chips, spinach dip, and salsa....I've been crapp*ng out Christmas colors for the past three days.
If you thought your parents were strict, I was toilet trained at gunpoint.
The only thing that can spoil my holiday mood right now would be a direct debit order I completely forgot about.
I bet Beyonce's ex-boyfriend cries himself to sleep every night regretting the day he cheated on her.
I asked a Chinese girl for her number. She replied, "S3x! S3x! S3x! Free s3x tonight!" I said, "Wow!" Then her friend said, "She means 6663629."
Breaking News!!! It is okay to "NOT" get in a debate on a Facebook status if you really have no idea what you are talking about. You can just move on to a cat picture or something you understand and comment on that..
If you really wanna drive her crazy, make her guess how you feel.
Please don't cry. You look ugly when you cry - me consoling a crying woman
It’s amazing how everyone cries for free speech until someone says something that they don’t like.
New Year's Eve is my favorite alcoholiday
"I can't believe it's not clutter." ~ A recovering hoarder
Does anybody know the expiration on whoop-ass? I opened a can last week and I’m not sure if it’s still good.
"It's no surprise that Brittany Spears lip syncs, but her fierce choreography makes up for it," says one Critic about her new Las Vegas show...Hasn't Brittany's dancing ALWAYS made up for what she calls her singing since day one?
Horseradish sauce is my favorite condiment named after mustang spooge.
I finally figured out how to get rid of that annoying sound in my car. I opened the door and pushed her out!!
2 large ships stuck in ice during Antarctic summer. One of them an icebreaker. Al Gore could not be reached for comment.
If you water an apple tree with apple juice, is it forced cannibalism...?
That moment you read a girls status that shouts out how much she loves her "brother", meanwhile you know shes an only child. #friendzoned 