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Forgiveness is the best gift you can give, unless pizza is involved, then pizza is the best gift. 
I will try anything once, but I won't try that. Meatloaf at a salad bar, probably.
We had a war on drugs, there were more drugs, war on terror and more terrorist, so for 2014 we need to have a war on money and jobs, it can't hurt!
Women only! - 1st rule of Right Club.
The bartender just brought me a glass of water....seriously? I didn't come to a bar to get sober!
There are 364 days until Christmas and I already have my Christmas lights up and my Wife call's me a Procrastinator.
The only reason I'd yell at you, is to get me another beer.
Things that make women emotional- 1) sad movies 2) love stories 3) anything 4) everything
Well it's almost time for that " New Year -- New Me " bullsh_t again!
Before you decide to spend less time on social media, make sure you go to every social media website and tell everyone.
You know you're country if you went mistletoe shooting as a kid.
miley cyrus decided to go back to work instead of twerk
My new years resolution is to finishing off in women's hair instead of Kleenex...
my liquor store owner will be so happy in about four days
You have the most beautiful lies I've ever seen
I have heartburn so bad that even the Devil would want out
I broke up with my cross eyed boyfriend he was seeing 2 people at once
have learned that pleasing everyone is impossible, but pissing everyone off is easy and fun as hell.
Listening to wife is like reading the terms and conditions of a website. Sometimes you understand nothing,still you say..."I Agree".....!
The only way to have an upper hand over a woman is to be better looking than her. 