Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I think premature male baldness should be the next race card..

   I may be too old to cut the mustard, but I can still cut the cheese.

   ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ I'm Dreaming Of A White Isthmus ♪ ♫ ♩ ♬ .....(Hey what can I say, I have a thing for snow covered narrow strips of land connecting two larger land areas.)

   Twas the morning before Christmas & all across Facebook, friends awake, houses aglitter. Coffee in hand pondering this day & the things that matter.....

   Ah, come on! It's Christmas Eve! I could be home right now, drinking this *monster* eggnog my brother makes with lighter fluid.

   My dog ate your Elf on the Shelf.

   Holidays are way too commercialized now a days. Please keep in mind the true meaning of Christmas while and your loved ones put up Christmas lights that are currently 75% off at Walmart!!

   I only takeSTD test in jail. I like all my bad news atone time

   When Kanye West blows out candles on a birthday cake he wishes it was his birthday, instead of whoever's party he's at.

   What about female suicide bombers? Do they also get virgins?

   My cat and I vomited together last night. I think I'm some kind of animal whisperer.

   I'm glad that money you didn't know you had can survive the wash and dry cycle

   Women close their eyes during sëx because they can't stand to see a man having a good time.

   I’m white but not “I like to watch golf” white.

   Some days, you just gotta remind yourself "Stab'em below the waist and it's only assault, NOT attempted murder."

   Well, the people outside are frightful. And the traffic, is far from delightful. (blocking my intersection) since they got no place to go. people blow people blow people blow...

   Christmas sure does smell a lot like weed.

   Nice try butter flavored pancake syrup, but I'm still putting butter on them!!

   Sorry I ordered a salad and then ate all your fries.

   I'm not as good as I once was, but I'm good once as I ever was.