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If having a dog has taught me anything,,, It's how to eat steak very quickly... *No chewing needed 
If I ever get rich, the first thing I'm going to do is start calling my comforter a duvet... And then maybe I'll learn all the names for lettuce.
I figure I must be Bi-sexual. I have sex twice a year.
Setting here wrapping presents with one hand. If someone finds a band aid in theirs Don't touch it, I'm still waiting on them test results.
Well the NFC East Division Champ will be decided next week when the Cowboys host the Eagles. This just in, Tony Romo already threw an interception!
'twas the night before Christmas and all through the house, everyone was screaming... Just cuz I went into the wrong house
So, if Professor X can move objects with his mind,,, why can't he make his legs move?
X It must suck being stupid and knowing 100% of all parents wish you were smart.
Cutler pulled a Romo... or was it a Cutler... idk anymore.
I am never surprised when these sportsmen and celebrities do or say something dumb like on social media. Most of them are not exactly rocket scientists.
Met a girl for a first date and quickly found out that her version of "Do you want to go downtown?" is vastly different than mine.
A joyous Festivus to all! May your strength prevail and grievances be few.
Been almost ten years single. A friend asked if I masturbated a lot. I said no, I don't want to get dust all over the place.
I'm offering a cyber bullying self-defense course at the YMCA where we aggressively close browser windows and switch computers off
In 1984 I was 10 and burried a time capsule to be opened on new years day 2014....Well the day is almost here and I am so excited to see how big my puppy has gotten
May the sweat of a billion camels invade your crouch and armpits and the smell of a million skunks invade your breath!
Most places claiming to have Real New York Pizza usually don't. It's more like: "Real Upstate New York Pizza."
I woke up with a headache this morning but she went to work.
May the fleas of 1000 camels infest the crotch of the person who screws up your day and may their arms be too short to scratch it.
I went to Jared for my girlfriend's Christmas gift. I'm sure she will love her Subway gift card. 