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I just saw 3 Angels walk down a runway wearing thongs...oh sorry it's just The VIctoria Secret Fashion Show 
R.I.P Mandela excuse me while I take this selfie at your funeral---Obama
ACA's, CMA's, ACM's...country music is working on having as many stupid awards shows as college football has pointless bowl games.
I always carry a very specialized custom survival knife, but it's not sharp. It's for cake or pie emergencies.
Just been on a diabetes awareness website and it asked me if I accept cookies. Is this a trick question?
Just saw a "for lease" sign, I painted "navidad" under it ...
If you're gonna take a selfie at a funeral, at least get the casket in the background!
I used to complain aobut how much a cup of coffee was at Starbucks... after seeing how much a "cup" is at the VIctoria Secret Fashion show, I'm getting a GREAT deal at Starbucks...
The most frightening thing about nightmares is realizing that they were created by your mind.
I'd play more video games if I didn't have a fully functioning pen*s.
I always say "happy holidays" because I'm not sure if people celebrate anxiety or depression.
If I ever win the lottery, I'd stay the same person I am today. My poor decisions, however, will become gloriously epic.
just inbox me if you wanna ask something avoid my wall
You want to put friendship to the test? Put both your spouse and your dog in the trunk of the car for an hour. Open up the trunk to see who's really happy to see you.
Dear Kanye West,--- Take the diaper off your daughter and put it around your face. A lot of crap has been coming from it lately
If I ever win the lottery and someone asks me for money I'm going to give them a dollar and say "Here. Go play the Lottery. That's what I did."
''Do I look like a motherf**king comedian? Don't f**king heckle me. I'm Kanye motherf**king West. I'm dead f**king serious.''
Shadows give the coolest advice.
This woman at the mall doesn't even seem to care that I found a lump on her breast that she didn't know about.
Sorry I drunk dialed you at 10am. 