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Man I was so upset at my parents when they told me that Santa wasn't real, I stormed out of the house, got in my car and just drove and drove 
I tried to guilt my wife into a BJ by reminding her "Tis the season of giving". I hope she was joking when she said "I gave at the office".
Most meteorologists are men. That's why when they say you're going to get 8-12 inches of snow, you really only end up getting 4-6 inches.
Even though Kanye West DID NOT compare himself to Nelson Mandela, would it really surprise anyone if he actually had?
At the 2010 Winter Olympics, I brought home the gold for smushing down the garbage so I don't have to bring it outside.
ATTENTION: Miley Cyrus is worth MILLIONS OF DOLLARS. She probably doesn't care what we think of her.
You wouldn't feel the need to talk about your beauty if you already know you are beautiful.
I think I'll go shovel the "Global Warming" out of the driveway!
I opened the door and pulled up a chair for you, so we are engaged now.
There's no feeling in the world like when two people want each other so bad... to die.
$15 an hour just to put a pickle on a bun? What are you? A McDummy?
It's so cold out by the time I walked to the car, the footlong I got at Subway was on a 6 incher.
The "AMERICAN" flag in my yard is hanging at half staff for those lost in Pearl Harbor, no one else.....that is all
Ravens fans, What's does excitement and happiness feel like? Curious Redskins fan.
"Christmas" Trees $5.00 per ft...."Holiday" Trees $20 per ft......Merry Christmas!
i bought all my Grandma's friends at the nursing home Ouija boards for Christmas so we can keep in touch in the New Year.
Kanye West says he is going to be the next Nelson Mandela! Quick someone put him in jail for 27 years.
I threw a shotgun shell at my daughter's date. ..then I told him it's much faster after 11pm
The difference between Kanye's supposed genius and his stupidity is that his genius has it's limits.
I think they put "The Island of Misfit Toys" in the Rudolph Christmas special so poor kids know why they get crappy presents from Santa at Christmas. 