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A guy walked into a Psychiatrist's office wearing clear plastic pants. He said, "Doc, what's wrong with me?" The doctor looked at him and said, "I can clearly see you're nuts!" 
The Thunder God went for a ride Upon his favorite philly. "I'm Thor!", he cried. The horse replied, "You forgot your thaddle, thilly!"
When you’re about to quit, remember why you started, Unless its alcohol
In honor of 11/12/13..... I will buy beer for any 11, 12 and 13 year olds that ask me.
If you are down and depressed and don't know what to do, just remember, Nationwide is on your side.
Admit it. You're secretly hoping Samuel L. Jackson flips out and drops the "F-Bomb" on those Capitol One commercials.
Alright, it's gonna be a mild fall! Aaaaaaand it's snowing.
I got into a huge blow up with my wife last night because she took a shortcut and beat me in Mario Kart. She has never done this before. Another man taught her that. I KNOW IT!
You're a party girl until your looks deteriorate. Then you're just a drug addict.
I'm sorry if I was rude to you earlier. I honestly thought you were the ugly one in your profile picture.
Eventually everything will be offensive and we'll go back to living in caves.
I sneezed pretty bad, mid-dump, and ended up 6 minutes in the future.
This night m'lady and I will intertwine our love in the haunting glow of the moon, and maybe she'll let me stick it in her pooper.
Every 7 seconds a fat girl confuses post-it notes for Kraft singles.
All those things on Morgan Freeman's face are the missing pieces of Seal's face.
Why are we not using science to combine animals? Don’t you want a Mouselion friend chillin in your shirt pocket doing tiny adorable roars?
At first glance, the word "Diputseromneve" looks confusing and retåřded. However, if you read it backwards it's even more stupid.
That one password you use for everything and if anyone ever figured it out they could single-handedly ruin your entire life.
Wiki leaks: kraby patty secret formula
*Buys a 3D printer... *With the 3D printer, prints a 3D printer... *Returns the origional 3D printer 