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Now that the government has shut down the food stamp program, I can see the television industry revamping the commercials: The Trix Rabbit will be packing heat, and using it if need be. 
when I heard the news of LAX's shooting first thing that came to my mind was "Kanye had enough!"
Dozens of ninjas at my door for Halloween but they weren't very good ninjas, I could plainly see them.
If all he thinks about is sex, turn on a football game. Now he's thinking about football... And sex...
Does it ever rain on The Walking Dead???
I farted in the apple store and everyone got pissed. Don't blame me there were no windows
I seen a guy wearing a "World's Greatest Stepdad" shirt, so I killed him and took it. There can be only one.
You "seen" a guy? It's embarrassing what America is turning into.
A woman started choking in the line at Starbucks- it was so scary but thankfully someone opened another register.
I really like the phrase "inspector gadget level incompetence"
Attending community college without student aid has made me realize some things. 1. Never rely on the bus as your only form of transport. Buses break down. 2. Mixing Taco Bell sauce with Top Ramen tastes exactly like poverty.
If Eminem wants to be considered one of the greatest rappers that ever lived, then he has to get shot and killed like Biggie and Pac. Those are the rules.
ladies, I am looking for a squirter. I meant squirt gun, I am looking for a female squirt gun
Our #1 problem in this country is that nobody wants to take responsibility for anything ...but please don't quote me!
Since the Jonas brothers break up.. they've come to an agreement to see each other during the holidays. . .
Judging by the music and decorations at Walmart we're only 3 days away from Fox News War on Christmas season.
the only tatoos I would ever consider are quotation marks between my lips
Saturday night is my favorite time of the year.
Let's just have sex.. I don't need another friend.
In a perfect world, men would get the silent treatment anytime they requested it. 