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Stop, drop and roll won't work in hell. 
If I told you I loved you, would you believe me or just stand there freaking out about me being in your closet?
Why do married people hate seeing happy single people? Please stop trying to fix me up with your friends.
Decaf coffee is like a hooker that only wants to cuddle.
3.67 billion Women in the world and I just had to make my own sandwich! :((
According to a new report, more than 700 fake Obamacare websites have been created. Security experts say it's simple to identify the phony sites because they are easy to log on to.
The answer to the giraffe riddle is EYES.
Taking the road less traveled will get you murdered by hitchhikers. Lets be smart, people
Once this girl I liked told me I looked like Ted Bundy and I didn't know if I was supposed to ask her out or kill her or what.
The average fight between men lasts 3 minutes. The average fight between women lasts 17 years.
Ghosts don't seem as scary when you remember that a lot of 'em have names like Jeff or Becky.
I grew up poor in the 80's. My whole family had to share one headband.
Be careful! Fox News reported that 30,000 people have died trying to sign up for Obamacare!
When I see a Scion in my rearview mirror I always pull over and let it pass so no one's late to the Hoobastank concert.
"When there are 700+ customers in the store, all but one cashier must go home."
PRO Halloween money saving tip, put an empty bucket on your front porch with a sign that reads "Take One"
If your man keeps cheating on you with the same woman, humble yourself and go ask her for advice.
Jehovah's witness evangelizing to a Chinese guy. Jehovah's witness - Asks " Do you know Jesus?" Chinese Guy - Answers "No, but ifi you gifi sample I make for u!"
My wife and I have one in common; neither of us respect me.
Snooki cried so hard when she got kicked off of Dancing With The Stars. It wasnt cuz she lost or anything like that, its cuz she realize she is going to be broke for halloween 