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A lady in the streets and a lady in the sheets and a lady in the basement and a lady in the shed. This crime scene is awful 
Women don't like women that look like women you used to date.
Two antennas meet on a rooftop, fall in love, get married....The wedding wasn't much but the reception was great!
I wonder if girls walk around and think "Oh ya, he wants the V"
I sent the wrong texts to the wrong people. Now my wife thinks that I'm going to f*ck her and my girlfriend thinks that I have to work late.
She had me at "I want the D tonight!" But lost me moments later when she said "Dominos pizza that is."
I lost 50 lbs of ugly fat with photoshop.
"Shall I compare thee to a summer's eve? For thou art a douche." -W. Shakespeare, Sonnet #18, First draft
I see where Timbaland is getting divorced. I guess it really was "Too late to Apologize"
When I do the robot dance, I want to make it clear through my movements that I have been programmed and I do not possess free will.
Sorry I sneezed cocaine on your baby.
God has blessed me with an ability to pretend like I'm shopping in your store when I'm really just here to use the toilet.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are officially more embarrassing than my dad.
My alarm clock went off...I reached over and I guess I must have hit the "throw yourself against the wall and break into a thousand pieces" button.
Congratulations, U.S. Government, you are now officially more embarrassing than Miley Cyrus
Nobody really dates anymore. You just make eye contact, text, hang out, and next thing you know all her clothes are in your closet....
When I see a a piece of bruised fruit at the market, I hold it close, give it a soft hug and gently whisper "Who did this to you?"
everybody is believing the Facebook privacy policy. Doesn't matter, the NSA owns it anyway.
Teach your kids about taxes and social security by taking 30% of their Halloween candy and promising to give part of it back in 70 years.
If you are someone who insists on talking on the phone rather than texting, I’m sorry but, we can’t be friends 