Trump Filter: ON | OFF
Search Messages:
I totally tricked this woman into sleeping with me. All I had to do was put a ring on her finger and live with her for the rest of my life. 
Interviewer: Why should you work here? Waiter: I believe I am capable of bringing a lot to the table. Interviewer: Can you start Monday?
dude-having 14 keys hanging from a belt ring is not a good look, When was the last time you heard, "God, Schneider is a fox" Never. You're welcom
It's Sunday and that only means I want Chic Fil A
PSA-When in a waiting room here are a couple of pointers: no one wants to hear you convo about getting the 'cream' for your itch and 2. turn your ringer DOWN, we don't want to hear 'your baby got back' ringtone.
Wife: What are you going to do today? Me: Nothing. Wife: But you did nothing all day yesterday. Me: Yes, but I'm not finished.
It's official. Yahoo Answers has surpassed the US Government as the all time record holder in not being able to accurately answer a simple question.
If you love someone, set them free. If they don't come back, stalk them.
I swear girls these days. Some of them wake up with a higher sperm count than the men
Calm down cashier clerk, it's just a 5 dollar bill. No need to hold it up against the light and run your marker through it. I spend my counterfits on my drug dealer...
BREAKING NEWS - House Speaker John Boehner announced that he will not stand in the way of a Senate resolution to end the government shutdown leaving millions of Americans asking, "When did the government shutdown?"
You know you are getting old when people keep telling you how young you look.
If Sesame Street really cared about children,,, they'd realize Big Bird could feed a hungry family for a month.
I brought a t-shirt cannon to a knife fight. Everyone dropped their knives to catch their own piece of lynyrd skynyrd history.
Slipping a tasteful nude photo into my work file... couldn't hurt at this point.
You know you're jealous when you can't even find a reason for your hate.
Life would be so much better if there were piñatas strategically placed throughout my day.
I just dropped $2 somewhere under the passenger seat in my car, so I guess I have a savings account now.
Government opens. Confederate flags at half mast.
Don't judge me because I sleep naked... 