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You ever drive around with an old person who knows where everything didn't used to be? 
My Boyfriend tried to talk me into making a sex tape. I'm like, 'Cool, we just need to get someone else to play your part'
Behind every great man is a woman rolling her eyes and sighing heavily and crossing her arms and holding in a fart.
Minivans with stick figure families let burglars know exactly how many adults, children, dogs, cats, turtles and fish they'll need to tie up.
It's easy to be the worst person on Facebook. Just begin your response to someone's status update with, "Actually,"
If a Porsche is next to me at a stop light, I'll tell the driver his brake lights are out even when they're not.
Love seeing life through the eyes of a child. So I made the nephew a helmet-cam and let him take a spin in the dryer.
So.. since when did the Government have closing hours. I think it's time for a civilian take over. . .
No lady, I didn't just trip you out of control child running through the store by accident, it was on purpose. . .
It's only a "good morning" if there's coffee involved
Until today, I thought American Horror Story was a book about marriage.
it just me or is "Pink" and Billy Idol the same person?
An anti-chemical weapons group winning the Nobel Peace Prize in a year where chemical weapons were used is why I have trust issues.
My Panic Room is every room I walk into where there's people.
I got new neighbors today, I hope they like my music as much as the last 9 families did.
If you push a carriage for more than 20 minutes a day outside of a store there should be a law that you have to have a license to operate it. . .
If your phone gets wet, try putting it in rice over night. This will attract Asians who will fix your phone for you.
I got fired from my job at the restaurant for putting a load in the dishwasher... she was cute.
I have learned two things this week; never critique a BJ while getting a BJ and teeth are really, really sharp.
Why is it that the people who are loudest about demanding respect are the same ones who have done the least to earn it? 