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If an imaginary person in your head tells you that you should kill little children, that is not religion but a mental problem. 
Here's a crazy trick to avoid looking fat in pictures: Lose weight.
I don't hate you, but I hope you fall in love and get married.
A woman's biggest fear is being alone and a mans biggest fear is being broke
I ain't saying your girl gonna cheat on you but for 1000 likes on Instagram anything is possible.
Your girl sends you nudes and she ain't holding the camera then you betta start asking questions bruh.
If I don't ask your opinion you don't have to give it to me
Wife: My family is coming over. Me: So? Wife: PANTS! PUT ON PANTS!
The werewolf in twilight was so deep in the friend zone he was protecting another guy's baby while not gettin pu$$y
No one ever wants to feel tied down by someone, that's why you give them drugs first so they don't feel a thing.
I wanna be the reason you shake your head, even if it is in disgust.
This sex may be recorded for training purposes.
I wonder if business people know they don't have to talk about business at lunch.
I'm so thankful that we live in a time where there is a social media platform for each one of my personalities
Canadian whiskey is just whiskey that apologizes for your hangover in the morning
I find it ironic that it takes 12 steps to get a beer out of my fridge.
Not to brag, but I can still fit into my highschool girlfriend.
On acid, strobe light going, Slayer cranked, "The Exorcist" on mute, Misfits face paint, erect, playing Ouija, naked w/ a knife. Come over!
"Let's rock out for skin cancer awareness with Ms. Sheryl Crow!" "YAAAY!!" "I wanna soak up the suuuuun...!" "BOOOO!!"
I look up at the sky and think of Bolkonsky wounded at Austerlitz contemplating the very nature of existence......... Just kidding, I'm thinking about boobs. 