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This banana tastes like I cant afford a pizza 
Have you ever turned off your alarm and gone back to sleep for just a few more minutes but end up waking up 48951 centuries later
What is Soy Milk is just regular milk introducing himself in Spanish?
After 6,000 selfies you'd think we get it, you think you're hot.
I'm so sick of this nonsense, where my blankets hang off of my bed like a messy sandwich.
I just spilled some water on my bed...boom, waterbed.
I'm so glad I just downloaded my iDon'tcare7, at least now I can't be disappointed like all the apple users.
i think this world wide web thing has ran is course!
Oh I'm sorry, does my repeat check ins at the gym remind you of how lazy you are?
Relationship Status: Sitting here in my underwear playing GTA V for two days straight
Looks like someone spent more time at the gym than in English class...
Tip of the day # Never accept an invitation to go hunting with cannibals. You may be Plan B.
you know your relationship is losing its spark when your wife wears a rape whistle to bed
The chefs are going to roux the day they told me I couldn't make a white sauce
If a man speaks his mind in a forest, and a woman doesn't hear him, is he still wrong?
Give me a 12 pack... My final thought before making a decision!
In any kind of relationship…you learn more about someone at the end of that relationship than at the beginning……
You came into my life for a reason and that reason is...can you grab me another beer while you're up?
The way my kids act at Walmart, it's just a matter of time before the security camera footage is a hit reality show!
I found the key to happiness, giving the wife money for bingo and giving the kids the newest PS4 game.... Beer 30! 