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You know your life took a turn for the worst when you get interviewed for a job opening by someone old enough to be your grandchild. 
Waking up a 6yr old for school is a lot like AOL Online. Its slow, it whines and all progress is easily lost by electronic interference.
Still trying to figure out how that guy with a neck tattoo in that p orn I watched earlier got employed at a law firm.
it's funny how that guy gives us Americans enough credit to know who Nina Davuluri is.
I hug people I hate so I know how big I need to dig the hole in my backyard.
"Wow! A chocolate river!" exclaims Augustus. Wonka adjusts his hat. "Actually, that's an open sewer line, but feel free to keep drinking…"
[tears open envelope] It's here! It's *really* here! The expressed written consent of the National Football League!
Only few words can touch her heart like "Baby, I would suck the fart out of your car seat."
At my age.... It's always Happy Hour!
Name two things that will disappear if you ignore them long enough- Snow and Adolescence!
When I was a kid..They didnt call it ADHD.. They called it you getting a whoopin' you little brat!
i think the guy standing next to me has given up on life, I can tell because he is barefoot at a Wal-Mart urinal..
I once shot an elephant in my pajamas. Still not sure how he put them on.
They say you should reach for the stars, but I find you get a lot more done if you reach for a stick
For every one text I send my mother, I have to send 4 more texts explaining what it means
I only drink to forget what I was about to say.
Just because I constantly think of ways to make your life miserable doesn’t mean I don’t love you.
My wife's safe word is: we have 5 kids
I don't want to sound like an alarmist, but I just saw Karma buying a 15 inch strap-on.
In case of emergency : Stop… Drop… And roll a joint. 