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I know you're not supposed to wear white after labor day, but they're my legs,, and I don't know how to leave them at home. 
Oh, a spider just landed on my desk... In other news,,, When startled, I can jump 5 feet in the air with just the power of my ass cheeks.
Roses are red, violets are blue, I'm schizophrenic and so am I... shhhh shut up. You shut up.
You have cunninglus licked once you get past the smell.
We get it. You think you're hot. After 6,000 selfies we're still not convinced.
Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side because there is a lot of bullsh*t going on that side.
I have a clever way with words. You might say I'm a cunning linguist.
illegally downloading a large torrent.......I mean buying some albums on I-Tunes
Sometimes the grass appears greener on the other side, only because there's a lot more bullsh*t being tossed around.
Ladies, your football knowledge is about the same as my interior design knowledge. Give it up...
The guy said “Violence is never the answer” and I said “What if the question is ‘What is never the answer?’” and he punched me in the face.
Hey Chick-fil-a, hamburgers aren't made from dairy cows...
Did you know that the spams you receive are from your stalkers?! I hate stalkers!
I call the Suicide Hotline from a pay phone, fire one round into the air and drop the phone.
Today's random act of kindness: feeding pepperoni slices to our vegan neighbour's toddler, through the mail slot.
Snap chat expectation - naked ladies.....Snapchat reality - poo pics from your mates
do over easy eggs come from really slutty chickens?
ૅ.ે On a dark desert highway cool wind in my hair Warm smell of a wet fart rising up through the air ૅ.ે
Frosted Flakes are grrrreat! but Tony the Tiger prefers antelope carcass.
Finding a bottle with a message in it is kinda cool but don't open a bottle with yellowish liquid in it you found on the side of the highway.... I learned this the hard way. 