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all of my recipes for success end up with me on the floor eating cheese 
Don't ask me for advice my answer is always get them drunk.
There is an elegance, and an art, to being beautifully broken
I went to an orphanage and not a single orphan was singing. I assume that's why they're still there.
Kim Kardashian's fragrance smells like daddy issues.
Beer: The method of turning grain into urine.
My doctor said I need to do something that gets me out of the bar. So I've started smoking.
Casper Wyoming considered a ghost town?
My girlfriend's bra is even harder to take off when she's yelling at me and I'm wearing it.
I have the heart of a child. It's in a jar of formaldehyde and locked in my basement.
On a cold night, to make a campfire, all you need is a match, kerosine, and a baby.
Looking for pornography? Type literally any letter into my search bar
Make librarians cry by calling it a "Book Museum" while taking pictures with your iPad.
I asked my wife what women really want, she said attentive lovers. Or maybe she said "a tent of lovers." I wasn't really listening.
My first thought upon waking up in the morning is "fuuuuck, not again."
Some things are better left unsaid, but I'm probably gonna get drunk and say them anyway.
Going to war for Syria is like jumping into a swimming pool while you're wearing an expensive suit to save the kid who bullied you.
Yesterday my boss asked why I was tardy and I said, "I don't think you're supposed call people that any more."
I don't want to brag, but I've been told by no less than 6 women I've ruined their lives.
If we'd had texting 20 years ago, me and my buddies conversations would be pretty much the same as today... 