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Hey America, which ever side wins the Syrian civil war will be chanting "death to America" soon after so save your bombs and missiles for something that matters. 
Erin Andrews, you lose all your hotness when you do a commercial for a product that helps you $hit...
I’d like to have a word with you. The word is sex.
Friends that are with you during your darkest times probably didn’t pay their electric bill either.
Vodka is just awesome water.
My favorite meal of the day is beer.
So I came home and all my closest friends and family are in the living room telling me that I need to stop drinking and partying so much. Worst. Flashmob. Ever.
it okay to text my kids not to come home cause i'm gonna do their mom? I mean, it is 2013... RIGHT?
All you got to do now-a-days is act like you know what your doing...its worked for me so far!
Wouldn't it be great if we could put ourselves in the dryer for 10 mins and come out wrinkle free and 2 sizes smaller...
I don't think the country that sells Dolly Madison Pink Frosted Zingers should be preaching about using chemical weapons on people.
I'm just no good at being sleazy... I may need to go to Britain for some training.
If God has a plan for everyone, his plan for me is to push me to the edge every day until I eventually choke myself out with a neck tie.
Sometimes I think I got away with all the drugs I've done...but then I drool mid sentence and realize...nope.
Just my saw neighbor and asked "how are the little ones?" "Oh fine, out of school soon." Apparently she didn't realize I meant her breasts.
Goal weight: when I wear a speedo, people can actually see the speedo.
After sex, I like to lay with you, cuddling, and whisper things in your ear like… “why are you still here??”
Getting married fulfilled all my dreams of having scheduled sex with my clothes on
A good rule of thumb is to take the amount of trust you have in someone's knowledge and decrease it by 15% for each tooth they're missing.
To save myself a lot of frustration, I have decided to assume that every new person I need is an idiot until they prove otherwise. 