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to keep things interesting in the bedroom bring an extra laptop 
There’s a mathematical formula for understanding women. I forgot the specifics, but at the end you divide by zero.
Never take financial advice from someone that has paid for a ringtone.
I didn't get a chance to check instagram today....does anyone know if the sun set this evening?
Anyone else wonder what happens to Oscar on trash day?
the center of a doughnut is completly fat free!
I'd tell you to kiss my @ss but you'd probably fall in love with it and stalk me.
You compliment me...I'll complicate you.
Nah you don't deserve credits or being "beautiful" if yet it is obvious you had a good make up artist and a great photographer...
If you've deactivated facebook, and someone tells you happy Birthday .. Marry that person
A man's humor is to a woman what a woman's cleavage is to a man
Dating is a lot like fishin'. Sometimes catch and release is the best method.
HIV doesn't turn into AIDS if you have a magic johnson.
If you cut soda from your diet, you'll save over $1000 a year and could spend money on more important things, like beer, meth, and skittles.
According to my Nike Fitness App, I've watched TV on my couch for 7 miles this week.
I have an IQ in the top 2 percentile... The rest of you 96% are stupid
His dad was Mexican, His mother Italian, Both were Jedi Masters..... He's, Old Bean Juan Cannoli. (lol, I'm not even sorry)
What's Obama's last name again?. I always forget
I hate when I’m on the treadmill, and my hand accidentally hits the stop button & I have to get off and accidentally eat a bacon grilled cheese sandwich.
"You're the Garbage Man, eh? What's your super power?". "Umm, I'm just here to take out the trash."."Whoa there slappy, we'll get to your catch phrase later." 