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I'm extremely charming until you get to know me. 
How come I can buy a bottle of Starbucks at 7-11 for $1.79 but a cup of coffee at their store cost $5??
Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back.
Ever notice how on those Life in Prison documentaries on the Discovery Channel that the prisoners they interview are a lot more respectful and polite than the people on the outside that you encounter every day?
Impartial. Unable to perceive any promise of personal advantage from espousing either side of a controversy.
"Quitting Facebook is the adult way of running away from home. We all know you're doing just to get attention and we all know you will be back." But I quit three years ago and never came back and I won't
If she says "I'm fine" that means she's fine and you can keep playing Xbox.......... lol
It's not you, It's your posts,, Wait ? You write them,, Nevermind, It's you
My google search history is just 12 different incorrect spellings of the word "restaurant."
I know I'm OCD but I worry that I am not OCD enough.
Looking back, I probably shouldn't have put my neighbors panties in my garage sale...
Don't quite get it when guys don't understand why a woman feels relieved when she takes her bra off... Let's see them under-wire their bad boys to their hips for a day.
Be careful of bull sharks, they swim in shallow water. Be careful of bullsh*t too, it swims in shallow people.
You can tell how a persons life is going by how they press the crosswalk button
"Any way you can speed this up, officer? I'm obviously in a hurry."
If this country really cared about itself everyone would quit looking for work so we could get the unemployment rate down to 0%!
If so many things taste like chicken...what does chicken taste like???
No one will think you're boring if you walk around wearing a deployed parachute
Need to get my butt in gear but I think my clutch is broken.
Why do we buy bacon and fry it yet we buy frozen french fries and bake them?? 