Forget Trump - Funny Status Messages that are not about Trump

   I was looking out the window when my wife asked what I was staring at. I mumbled, "Must be about 32C out there..." is that the temperature? she asked "No! the neighbor lady is sunbathing topless" I replied

   I know it's your Birthday and all but the Starbucks Gift Card thing ain't happening...

   The girls who say that what all guys want is sex are usually the ones who have only that to offer

   oh, your talking to me again? You must have just broken up with your boyfriend.

   only two people with the combined IQ of a salad bar would name a kid NorthWest

   my ex warned me that I would never find a girl like her again....THANK GOD!

   It's Friday! That means just two more days until Monday.

   I didn't say you were stupid, I said that "i see a pole and body glitter in your future"

   I haven't lost all of my marbles but there is definitely a hole in the bag.

   I still eat around bruised parts of fruit like a scared 4-year- old

   I am losing Facebook friends at an alarming rate. Whatever it is that I said, is working like a charm.

   Nostalgia ain't what it used to be.

   Yes, I'm a tool. A drill. Just ask my wife's friends.

   The photographer who released the photos of the Boston bomber capture got fired but the sniper that had the laser dot on his head and didn't pull the trigger still has his job? What's up with that?

   I like the sound you make when you shut up

   Smile, it makes your butt look smaller.

   90% of my life is regrettably trying to get out of conversations I got myself into.

   I hate arrogant people. It's like they think they're better than everyone. No one is better than me.

   you can run from your problems, unless your problem is a cheetah

   I don’t always correct someone’s spelling, but when I do, I google it first so I don’t make an ass out of myself.